Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.