Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.