Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
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the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.