Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
#SuperBowl
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Found my door mat
I hate when that happens.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help