My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Hoping to spice up my evening
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
British websites use biscuits.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me before I type out affect or effect
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
The glockness monster