The glockness monster
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Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
When can I start eating bats again.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Risking my life for fun.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy