Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Generation gap…
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.