Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Have a lovely day 😊
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed