Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Note to self: I am a note
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses