Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
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me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.