Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I hate everything
![]()
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
these two trucks have the same bed length
![]()
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
![]()
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years