Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Ok who’s got my black socks?
is this meant to deter me
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Well, this explains it:
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit