Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”