Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
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ibopfufen
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*