boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…