If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My blood type is coffee.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’d hang this in my house.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Birds & Planes.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
This line from Airplane.
Mornin
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.