Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall