Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar