They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.