What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay

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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”


HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals


[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*


The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.


Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?


Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”


Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.


Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.


KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok