@hansabumsadaisy

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

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@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

@ArfMeasures

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

@dafloydsta

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

@3sunzzz

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

@onion_an

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

@kvetchings

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

@YesThatAmy

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

@IfIwassomething

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

@bobvulfov

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok