What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.