Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
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Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair