pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense