[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.