I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Just so funny
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.