I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
This took me a second..
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR