@handsforkeys Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
@amburgklur According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
You Might Also Like
@handsforkeys 
@causticbob When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
@thepaulasuzanne True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
@SoulYodeler The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
@SondraDeeMe Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
@BruceForce Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
@pakalupapitow i need a six-month vacation twice a year
@_KrisWilson_ A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
@knitOneFUCKYOU it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
@UnFitz “Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler