According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
this could fix me
Just me and my debit card against the world
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”