I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
You Might Also Like
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Have kids, they said
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*