[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.