Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit