My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Note to self: I am a note
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.