I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.