Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My dad is at it again
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Geez man, take it easy.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.