You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
somebody come look at this
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.