Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
You Might Also Like
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]