Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.