Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
You Might Also Like
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
How is it still this week?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.