Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy![]()
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate