Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?