*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?