Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers