One of my husband鈥檚 friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 馃槀馃槆
You Might Also Like
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can鈥檛 you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Gecko at McDonald鈥檚 crawl through:
I鈥檒l have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?