Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Husband of the year 😂
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Never let them know your next move 😂
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.