8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.