8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
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This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.