“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
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Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Geez man, take it easy.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Sending in my taxes
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?