Sending in my taxes
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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My dog ate my work from home.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?