@sixfootcandy

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

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@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@Spaziotwat

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

@Brampersandon_

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

@DrunjAF

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@Browtweaten

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

@Daveastated

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

@Robert_Beau

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@danjperlman

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7