Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

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Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…


How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”


Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.


Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.


Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.


Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.


Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?


We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.