Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.