Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*![]()
You Might Also Like
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
![]()
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
![]()
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
![]()
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?