Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.