@sixfootcandy

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

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@fckboyseatpizza

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

@EmSlyce

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

@causticbob

Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.

@JefeJK47

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@roadkill3x

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@RowdyBowden

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

@Stellacopter

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.