Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

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ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*


[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine


ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted


Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?


JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK



~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages


My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?


interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest


Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point


It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.


Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7