I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.