Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Yup.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ouch