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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.