ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
You Might Also Like
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
called in thicc to work this morning
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
OKAY DAD
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526