My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
got so much cardio in today
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Strangers have the best candy.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic