Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
every single time
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.