Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
You Might Also Like
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
Hubs: Is that a new one?
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
This meal prepping shit is easy
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.