Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I am having an out of money experience.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST